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What the hell is wrong with me?!

Everyone’s going on about 2018 being unkind, seriously you can’t scroll an inch through Facebook without 2018 was pants so 2019 is gonna be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Apparently I’m the exception to the rule at the risk of sounding a bit woe is me, sure Cesg was sectioned and the kids came to live with us then went home leaving a void but it all worked out, 2018 wasn’t so bad. 3 days in and 2019 is worse than the whole of last year.

I’m not sure (yes I am I’m just wallowing but bare with me ahah!) if it’s because my attitude is out of wack but I’m sad, to the point of being on the verge of tears, similar to that weird hormonal feeling when you’re tearful in pregnancy or before menstruation (don’t get me started on menstruation, surely it should be womenstruation as we’re the ones with wombs! and don’t excite yourself Chris has had the snip baby no 7 is firmly off the table)

I lack the motivation to train at all, not me, training in the am is as natural as flicking the kettle on for tea/coffee, veganuary is proving troublesome as quorn is not vegan ffs!!! I am overwhelmed, there is so much to do, I still have no guarantor for the wretched house for Ce’Nedra, have yet to hire a van, although I can borrow a car to collect her and the children early with a trunk full of clothes etc my other children go back to school on the 8th, I can’t be in 2 places at once but the idea of driving 4.5 hrs straight just to have a cup of tea pack the car and drive back fills me with dread.

God I am being wallowy aren’t I! I just need to get through the next few weeks but then what? I am in real danger of trying to pour from an empty cup but no-one seems to care as long as their needs are met. Watch this space A x

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What a day!

It has been a hell of a day even by my chaotic standards.

The house rental for the eldest daughter finally fell through, she was due to come home on Saturday (yup, it’s Wednesday so in 3 days) her furniture was due to follow the next weekend for reasons I won’t go into not least because I’m not sure why myself, perhaps because Shàe can pack more efficiently without the children there. 5 hours, many a hasty phone call, more stress that I have felt in many moons and a Facebook appeal later..I’m 90% sure we have secured her a house. Remarkably 1 we lived in when she was a child some 20 years ago, I like to think of it as a good omen.

Only a few hurdles to go, I prefer the term challenges to rise to if only because a positive mind set manifests positive results!

We need a guarantor because she’s still signed off from work having so recently left hospital and needs housing benefit until Shàe is working, my credit rating is pants so I won’t do but..

We need a months rent in advance, £550 bond £90 each adult and £60 to use a guarantor, none of these were needed at the previous place, but that said it needs no work. All these things will be sorted because there is no option, the alternative doesn’t bare thinking about..

I’m struggling with my emotions towards the previous prospective landlady, it must have been horrendous to feel I was throwing away her things and bringing people in to view her chaos but I wasn’t I was just concerned nothing would get done and time was ticking making me uncharacteristically anxious.

Some people can’t cope with things and rather than deal with them as they arise allow them to mount up, then the situation is so large they loose their home (or the filth is floor to ceiling.) Procrastinating at its finest, I do understand that overwhelming feeling, not knowing where to start and I can imagine the anxiety involved if someone was going through my things but if I hadn’t used them in 2-24 years I’d probably assume it was something I could live without!! So while she has my genuine sympathy, the lioness in me sees my child struggling with mental health and other issues that have plagued her and this woman just poured salt on the wounds, I’m not one to cut people off but a message from her fiance on messenger has come through while I’m blogging and for now at least I have no intention of opening it! A x

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90% me!

I’ve just completed my first bit of training in 2019, so recently I’m typing in a sports bra damp with sweat, (I nearly said moist but it really is cringe worthy isn’t it? uch) Just some interval plyometric nonsense but it really brought home something that’s been lingering in my brain for some time.

Motivation is all in your head, this morning’s work out was physically no more difficult than normal, if anything it was easier, I started out all positive, “this is nearly over already!” singing in my head, “it’s only 8 exercises” but by about the forth I was literally talking myself out of it. It was really hard, the more I talked the harder it became, and I’m ashamed to say, rather than pushing through as I would normally, I ended up doing 3 rounds and not the 4 I was convinced I’d do at the start.

I’ve been aware attitude plays a huge part in motivating my training for a long time, you read it everywhere, can do attitude and all that but I really thought about it this morning and it’s not just training, it’s every aspect of my life. Over time I’ve had periods where life’s challenges have seemed insurmountable, I’m not sure if it was depression because it runs in the family and training is my antidepressant or maybe maturing has bought me peace, faith because experience teaches you things always work out and it’s seldom the things you prepare for with futile worrying that side swipe you or something else but what is certainly true it mindset matters.

When I was wallowing in self pity, mentally defeated before I started life seemed harder. I should point out my husband and kids are great and when I was miserable my relationships weren’t but as a rule now I am a positive person. Rewind 20 years and I wasn’t. Chronologically I’m the same but I’ve been upgraded like a computer, little by little the pessimist has been replaced by the eternal optimist and life is easier. To sound like a cheesey Facebook meme There is always something positive to be found you just need to look for it, if you can’t find it, be it! Have a good day A x

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Resolutions

January 1st is THE date to aim for to begin anything in the growth/positive change department. Typically a new health and fitness routine/quitting smoking etc. I’m doing veganuary (vegan for January) which will be interesting, vegetarian I can do easily but vegan will be a challenge (I love cheese more than most people!) I regularly use meal replacement shakes, I’m not going to bang on about which one, this blog isn’t about that but fortunately they brought out some vegan flavours in the UK last year and it will be much easier in that area.

I also do 21 day healthy eating challenges every month, I guess they’re like mini Jan 1st the date to start new (what does that make a Monday micro New year?) Fortunately the next one doesn’t start until 7 Jan so I should be well into it by then.

It’s an online community thank goodness, (I don’t see people.) I’ve been rubbish since September, there in name only (comfort eating all the way) but I’ve had months I’ve smashed it with the accountability and friendship it offers. Only as much social interaction as you want, some months I’ve been a voyeur other times I’ve immersed myself in it. All good for a loaner like me. I’m hoping it’s the boot up the butt I need.

So far I’ve had a green tea, I’m toying with a cafe latte shake with almond milk if only for the vitamins, I’m not sure chocolate orange and shloer count as one of your five a day, that’s been pretty much all the fruit I’ve consumed since Dec 22, don’t get me started on vegetables. My body is feeling it though not to mention the strain on my poor clothes, skin like that of a pubescent teen. I really don’t do things by half so it could be something to do with replacing water and tea with Baileys and cappuccino but here’s to new beginnings, the road to recovery starts here!

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2019

Well I’m 47, nothing much has changed, I have made some resolutions largely because binge watching Doctor Who while consuming several litres of Baileys, kilos of chocolate and mince pies with or without brandy butter have not been kind to my waist line or my skin for that matter. A distinct lack of H20 hasn’t helped either. It’s amazing how fast a taste for herbal tea and spinach and avocado smoothies can be replaced by quality street and no bake chocolate yule log!

My birthday wasn’t so bad in the end, it came and went without the pressure to be happy because it’s expected of you. Chris is still ill, he annoyed me if I’m honest, it sounds petty (because it is!) but he wrote to Alley from Chris in my card. What’s the problem? We never ever call each other by name (told you it was petty.) My annoyance is made even more ridiculous by the fact that I really don’t care if he calls me Alley, although he never does he calls me Alice if he calls me anything, it being my name and all…I digress he never calls me by name and is offended if I call him Chris, like really, it’s like I called him mate or something so for him to call me Alley was hurtful and led me to wonder if there’s a problem if he is subconsciously calling me Alley (not even Alice.) Anyhow over thought that and if there is a problem it’s his, he can keep it until he’s prepared to share it.

On a positive note I’ve been whining about the house I’m meant to be preparing for my daughter’s little family to move into, the universe is against me and so on, nope turns out it may actually have been a good thing, I know faith in all things, I should know by now. The previous occupants have been in and made a start. I was worried I’d throw things out they need etc but they’ve been in without me and done far more than they would have if I’d been there coordinating (taking over.) Not that I’ve been there and may yet regret my lack of input but they can’t have made it worse and my mind set is way better, a win win.

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Birthday!

So it’s my birthday, as previously stated I’m trying to embrace it, I do think the universe is trying hard to do a factory reset though (birthday hater fyi)

For the fifth day in a row my plans are out the window to save you reading back, a brief synopsis, I have 12 days to clean the house of a hoarder for my daughter to move in to with her family!

I feel sure the universe is messing with me, in the same way it does when you say outloud your child slept through the night, or had a dry bed then you spend the following 6 months waiting for a recurrence. I said out loud I would embrace the day of my birth, it’s trying to restore me to factory setting!

Not only has my beloved been ill for 5 days, Lewis (6) woke up saying “Oh great now there’s poop in my onesie!” He was not kidding, I have never seen so much poop in or out of a onesie, looking at this from a positive perspective, if only to irritate the universe, at least he was wearing one, more often than not he’s naked below the waist in bed, I don’t want to even imagine. This turn of events mean the small folk are unable to go to nursery so I can clean hoarder-ville..more delays.

I wonder what else today has in store?! I’ll be back today, if only for therapy so will refrain from wishing anyone happy new year just yet, have a good day A x

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Good morning?

I realise the best mornings for me are the ones I’m up before 6 to train; that is to leap about in my kitchen, with or without weight for the uninitiated. I’m neither disciplined nor wealthy enough to go to a gym that would be open at that time, I don’t have a Nanny and despite the fact I virtually lived in the local gym in the early noughties I find myself really self conscious in that environment now. Ridiculous because I know from experience the people in there are not remotely interested in you, unless you fail to put weights back or are particularly unhygienic. Everybody is so consumed with what they’re doing they don’t care if your boob fell out or the sweat patch looks like you peed yourself that said thoughts and feelings are rarely rational. So I like to be up early, even if I don’t train it is pretty much the only time I get any real time to myself, to read my emails or just think without the commotion that is family life.

Solitude is wonderful. I don’t really see many people day to day. Obviously people in shops or the local petrol station. The other mothers at the various schools my children attend. We live in a fairly small community by most standards I have no idea how many people live in my village let alone the surrounding ones but we are a community, I will always see someone I know to wave at or pass and say Hello but I don’t see anyone who would remember or who I planned to see. We’re a fairly large family perhaps why I value quiet. I don’t really watch television, the odd show but I could easily live without one. I’m binge watching Dr Who on Netflix and will watch the whole of something back to back if it suits me but generally If I’m alone in the house I won’t have anything on at all. I love music but won’t have it on unless I’m driving then I listen to BBC RAdio 1, I am seriously not their demographic but I was once I simply continued to listen, perhaps one day I’ll wake up and decide Radio 2 is for me..

Anyway I like my own company and am rarely bored inside my own head. There are so many things to think about. I do wonder if it will come back to haunt me, perhaps I’ll be a lonely old person when my children have moved on and made wonderful lives for themselves. I do so hope they have wonderful lives and realise there is so much more to life than money, true wealth isn’t about things. I should stress I very much value all the relationships I have with people, I’m not without feeling in my insular little world and obviously the wealth I talk about is in them, certainly not my bank balance but I probably only intentionally meet up with a friend once a week if that. Is that normal? Should I need to be part of a pack? The more I learn about Autism and aspergers the more I think it likely the kids get it from me. But then perhaps as we get older we become more at ease with life because we have had so much more practice…have a great day A x

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Perception’s a funny thing!

Took the ferals to soft play today because we were all stir crazy after 3 days of Christmas tv, games and far too much tablet/youtube interaction. My children would watch other people playing video games/paradys or unboxing toys from now to eternity. I thought it would help them get their heart rates up a bit, children need 60 mins a day yada yada..in fact they posed in Peppa pigs car and argued over the grab machine in the little arcade area and then we came home to a still poorly Daddy who had been Googling hot toddy recipes in his isolation.

People watching in those places is fascinating, none of us are inclined to believe the worst of our off spring but some of us dig deeper and realise ours are probably the instigators of all things. Actually we probably fall into 2 camps allowing for a greyish area at either end, those who think their children are responsible for everything and those who just know it was the other guys kid. Sorry for my ferals because I usually blame them, if not openly with my inner voice, not to say I don’t defend and support them but 3 of them are somewhere on the Autistic spectrum (yes I am aware everybody is somewhere but you get the point, with our lot it’s official, I believe my husband and I are to but that’s a matter for another day.) Because of the way they look at life it’s very hard for them to see another person’s view point. Jenson is literal to the point of infuriated pedantic to a fault. He can do XYZ but anyone else tries to bend the rules and it’s like he Polices life. No empathy, no sense of humour except for puns that said he’s a thoroughly good egg and will defend his sibling everytime. Arguments are fairly common because misunderstandings happen so often and he has no concept of social cues of facial expression. Lewis likes his own way too but can empathise or he does a better job of cutting and pasting appropriate behaviour than his brother. He’s a showman and I have no doubt he’ll be a choreographer or something. Obviously I adore them they’re my children and as such their little quirks are normal to me. It’s only when you’re in an environment like that where there are lots of children and their adults that you can see the different way people see the world, parent, cope etc.

After thought:- really need to address our eating habits, mine seem to have included chocolate biscuits and cappuccinos with or without Baileys for the past week and the children haven’t been much better minus the Baileys. It’s so hard to rein in ones sweet tooth once it’s been given its head but rein it in we must, sugar being the new smoking and all that.

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