I’ve been feeling a but wobbly of late! No not a lack of yoga although my stiff muscles are painfully aware of that 😁 Reason for this peculiar mood? No idea or at least none I’m aware of.
Chris and I don’t have much work..self employment means you live like a king or a pauper, there seems to be nothing in between but that’s pretty standard and I’m long enough in the tooth to know it will pick up.
I’m struggling with a new acquaintance, which has lit a candle if not actually shone a light on other areas I’m not comfortable with.
I’m sure we all like to think of ourselves as kind, forward thinking and accepting, for the most part I believe this is who I am but we’re multifaceted and there are equally personality traits that are less attractive and more difficult to admit to.
I feel uncomfortable now just thinking about it, not quite a ball of ice in my stomach or a nauseous sensation in my throat but something in between that brings to mind shame or guilt.
If I’m completely honest I wonder if my difficulties with this person are because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself (aka Sigmund Freud.) Initially when someone else was a bit scathing about them I fought their corner, to be honest this is my default. (I always put the other person’s point of view across to the point of being really irritating but if I can possibly see the good or a positive spin I will and do.) I thought perhaps they were trying a little too hard having moved into our community. They’ve been everywhere to quote Johnny Cash, done everything. They interrupt even the most mundane of conversations, something I know I’m guilty of and also the thing that irritates me most about my husband too incidentally.
Sometimes I feel God has sent this person to highlight the least attractive things about me, my husband and our relationship to show us what we need to work on and to remind me that I don’t actually like everyone as I often assume.
You can be pleased for the success of another person but also envious because you’re not as successful. It’s possible to be both content in your own life and still desire a lottery win.
I admit I’m jealous of people who win tens or even hundreds of millions, in a “hmm I bet I’d be more altruistic than them! Why do they deserve that? I’m not proud of it but it’s human nature. I live under no illusion that vast wealth comes with it’s own unique problems. If we ever won that kind of life changing sum I’d want to help, I already know what I’d do to try regenerate our community for example and help those less fortunate but where would you start? There are so many worthy causes, where do you stop? No matter what you won it could never be enough.
Then you have the arguments it would cause. Obviously I’d want a house, car and to investment for my children, help my friends and family. I’d want a business. Chris on the other hand would want cars and stuff! I’d want to create business that could sustain themselves and be run by people that used the services they provide.
I’d like to quietly help and write, I’d love the time to write and train my mind and body. He’d like to spend loudly and rub people’s noses in it 😂
You’d have people coming out of the woodwork trying to exploit you for greed or genuine need. Who would you, should you turn away?
Just as absolute power corrupts, maybe vast wealth pollutes too, when you have little or just enough contentment is found in more than possessions and money. Does greed seep in once money is readily available, once you have it do you give your all in the fear of losing it or in the pursuit of it? Forgetting to stop and enjoy?
I’ve no idea but happy as I am and I really am very happy with my lot, I wouldn’t mind finding out 😉
Have a fabulous weekend
A x
#middleage #life #perception #envy #greed #lottery #middle-aged #happy #jealous
Middle-aged dread 